who am i? Where i am from. what am i doing here?

My name is sangeeta. Pronouns-she/they. Born in 1979 in Bombay.

I am from Dharmambal Iyer. Who is the first born of Venkatraman Iyer and Mangalam Iyer. Who were privileged and rich Bhramins. Who had a lot of land and wealth. They lost all of their land and wealth when my mother was 12/14. This loss and displacement led to them living in a hut with 5 kids. My grandmother Mangalam died giving birth to her 6th child. My mother became a mother to her siblings then. The family had to be separated my mother moved to Bombay to family friends to find work and two of my aunts and an uncle had to take refuge with family friends in Chennai. The youngest uncle had to take shelter in the Ramakrishna orohange.

I am from Janardhan Shetty. the 10th son born in a small village in Mangalore to a family of farmers. My father ran away from his home to Bombay to find work when he was 10-14. He found work in Bombay as a dish washer in restaurants. Failed to finish his education which he tried in night schools. And worked eventually as a ‘Master’ in a textile factory. In charge of cutting fabric.

My father wished for a boy as my mother was pregnant with me as they already had a daughter, my sister who is 6 years older.

I am the unwanted girl of janardhan sheets. I remember how my mother use to say my father threatened to not take me home. And dr Susheel from the hospital I was born offered to adopt me. He had already announced my birth by giving me also the name Sangeeta. As me sister Kavita was also born in the same clinic.

I apparently needed to be pulled out with forceps. And turned upside down and spanked to let out a cry and breathe. Often I think may be I wasn’t ready to leave the womb of my mother to enter a world I was already unwanted in the gender and colour I was.

My father was an aggressive man and I soon realised that if I made sure he was kept entertained and happy things would not escalate and me, my mother and sister would be safe. So I took on the role to be the clown. I also decided to be the boy he wished for. I embodied being the boy he wanted in every way possible.

Language and gender: I spoke to my father in Hindi. Hindi has grammatical gender. So if you want to say you are going/leaving. as a girl you would say ‘Mein Ja Rahi Hoon’ as a boy you would say- Main Ja Raha Hoon.

I spoke to my dad like a boy and also I enjoyed being the boy. Because boys could be dark skinned. Could be playing out in the sun. Being that boy gave me many free passes which my sister did not get. This survival tactic I discovered very early in my childhood helped me navigate many oppressive norms that we put on me as a girl in a society that does not celebrate dark skinned girls.

Gifted child? Creating Safer spaces.

Growing up, home was not a safe space for me. I grew up in a house where domestic violence was the dirty secret. I was sensitive to my fathers rage, I had learnt to adapt to this by becoming the boy, entertaining him with being the funny guy. I knew how to de-escalate to contain other peoples pain and anger. When things got violent I would lock myself into the little toilet in the house. And get lost in an imaginary world that I saw and created with the chipped wall figures and shapes that would come alive with my imagination.

My mother who faced the violence had a spirit that could not be beaten down. And she inspired me to question things and be curious about death and suffering. Life and happiness. At a young age I started looking for answers by visiting the yoga institute in Mumbai.

Recently I listened to Dr Gabor, whose work I discoved when I was 40. Whose work on healing has also influenced my healing journey and my work. He mentioned the book Prisoners of childhood in an interview which I haven’t read but I can resonate with how most of my childhood and adult life has been shaped by the ‘drama’.

I have always been very sensitive and see things that society ignores. May be because I felt also unwanted and invisible.

While my sensitivity inspired me to work with slum children and orphans when I was in university. I always rejected any possibility of me being gifted. Most people thought I would become a social worker but I did not believe I had to courage and could not accept any validation or appreciation.

I wanted to work in the creative field so I became a writer in television and later in advertising.

Early in my career I received awards for my work but I could never really accept them well. Mostly I was awkward with compliments and rewards. I still am learning to accept the gifts as gifts.

I can see how a part of me always lived in the past where I was invisible and ugly. And being seen felt like a threat. Missing out the present. Yoga and the healing power of the breath has taught me to be in the moment.

I have always been swinging between being this bold person who can see and create safer spaces for those in need to being this helpless child who felt alone in this real world.

Life has also thrown me many dramas to help me remember and work on returning to wholeness….

I have lived in the Middle East for 3 years where I also was reminded how as an Indian woman my award winning creativity meant nothing. I would still be ignored and face discrimination and oppression.

I have lost money in the middle east and also all my documents and belongings when I shipped it from Bahrain to Chennai when I was moving back with my husband (now ex) who I met in Bahrain.

A loss which has happened before to my grandparents and mother. Making me question ancestral/ generational healing, study yoga. It took me to my first Yoga teachers training.

A few years later birth of my first child was also a transformational dramatic experience that again made me question life and who I am and what I can do to create a safer world for my child.

Since my (ex) husband is German we moved with our son to Berlin.

In the last 10 years I have learnt a new language, understood cultural differences, tried to integrate and adapt. Again realising I see invisible things.

This motivated my to work in family centres and become a full time yoga teacher. Given birth to my second child

Experienced the need for creating my village to raise my two children . Lost both my parents and faced the end of my marriage. Recognised how this culture doesn’t make space for grief and sadness. How healing needs community that can hold you and witness your pain. Learnt to understand how the personal is political. Built community spaces. Creating rooms that I felt were missing. Rooms for parents, for migrants, room to gather to face grief and pain and discomfort of racism. I trained as a DEI facilitator (presencing race, gender and collective healing). Then we all faced the collective pandemic. As things were seeming to settle and I wanted to visit home which I had not done since 2018 when my parents died.

Life threw me off the curve and I met with an accident one day before my flight to india with my kids. I landed in the hospital with a skull fracture and brain hemmorage. I woke up after brain surgery and was forced to look at what was happening.

The rest and rehabilitation and yoga and trauma wisdom I had made me realise many pattern that needed change. Before getting on my bicycle my inner voice had told me to not go. I was going to give the keys to the yoga room to my friend who was going to teach my class when I was away.

I ignored this inner voice. The accident also forced me to look at how the family structure and peace had been unfairly balance on my shoulder.

When the father of my kids and I separated I took on all the responsibility to move out, find an apartment, make my own money ( he paid for the apartment) but I had supported him to work full time and build his career as I gave up my career as a creative director when our first child was born and we moved to a country where I had to rebuild my skills.

When we were together I had planned for financial stability as a family but all focused on him. So he had insurance for incase he was unable to work which I did not (which was needed when I met with an accident) even though we live in the privileged country where medical costs are covered through insurance I realised there are many things where we are not equal.

Not knowing the system and not being native German speaker, made me have no access to benefits that normally he would.

While my ex always thought we had a very peaceful and mature separation he never acknowledged how much work I put in extra to keep this peace. (a gift I have from childhood and keeping the peace for my violent father)

I was forced to also look at how my past was still making me live in a defensive modus. While I was fighting for justice for others I found it difficult to seek justice for myself.

I am undoing a lot of my own patterns of oppression and learning to liberate myself from the past.

And this shapes my work and offering. My work is focused on finding joy, liberation and healing. And the tools I use come from trainings in yoga therapy (R.Sriram), Skill in action (Michelle Cassandra Johnson), Dhrupad (Sound healing ) am also inspired by great thinkers and authors like J. Krishnamurti, healing racialised trauma (Resma Menakem) and Trauma healing (Gabor mate)

If you wish to support my work Re-search about longing, belonging, culture, rituals and healing practices from Tamil Nadu help me go back home. And build a bridge between cultures, worlds, Trauma and healing.

Your funds will support my document this journey (film, podcast, blog) I will bring back wisdom from my culture to share it with everyone.

Your fund will pay for the direction, editing, recording and filming. It will fund the labour of gathering them. Give the funds to those who share their wisdom. While we profit from the information and practices.

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