Grief & loss

In 2018 I lost both my parents and my marriage ended. July my mother. In September my marriage of 10 years ended. In October my father died.

It was a tough year. It felt like everything I considered as home was being taken away from the. Felt like the ground under my feet was just pulled away.

Suddenly I was an orphan. A single mom. In a foreign land that never felt more distant.

My sister informed me of my mothers death while the funeral processes were already happening. I was not asked if I wished to come. They thought why would I want to and how could I. As a mother of two small kids living so far? So they decided what is best for me. My cousin sister thought about at least involving me in the funeral over video call.

How could I ? I was in shock . Just out of meditation when I saw my husband at standing at a distance feeling sorry for me as he delivered the message of my mother’s death. How could I ? I felt the need to be held but did not know it was something I should have asked for. I was supposed to give an Indian babymassage class in 10 minutes. How could I ? So I went to class and shared the practice I learnt from my land. After the class I watched my mothers funeral from a play ground next to the the studio where I taught.

It felt unreal. I still did not know how to and who to reach out to.

I was left alone with my grief. People who I thought were friends when I mentioned the death of my mother reacted with I guess you knew this was coming. I did know my mother was sick and she had given up. but I did not know this is how I would have to deal with the loss in this culture.

I struggled for days and then flew to grieve with my neighbours and friends who knew my mother and could be part of the 13 day ritual. A gathering held as per hindu traditions. I needed that and a lot more but instead in September on our wedding anniversary as I talked to over a glass of wine with my husband how things are not good between us. He said this sounds like a break up talk. The ease in the way he said it seemed like an end to me and I said ok.

I still don’t understand much of how things happened but I do know that sadness and grief makes people uncomfortable and they want it to be over as quick as possible. And the best way is not to talk about it.