Ways in which germany and especially parents and institutions remind me i do not belong here.
11 years ago I moved with my 10 month old child and his German father to Berlin. I was thinking I was moving to the west because it meant a better life.
I was eager to learn the language and I soon realised that was very much appreciated. It meant I am integrated. But It took me a long time and many painful interactions and experience to realise it doesn’t mean I am accepted.
I invited folks over. Fed them and their kids and showed up for mothers in times of crisis. But when I was vulnerable I was directly reminded that if it was not planned me and my kids were not welcome to stay for dinner. Even if I just shared that I was in shock because the children’s counsellor announced to my son that his dad and I were separating, before we shared it with him.
I was returning from this post counselling (shocking ) experience with my son to pick up my daughter who was at a white friends place. I shared my shock and how my son was also very vulnerable right now. The kids did not want to go home, which normally happens when they are with friends. They wanted to stay for dinner. And this German mother who was just making pasta turns and says- ‘Das war heute nicht Geplannt’. ( that was not planned for today= you cannot stay for dinner. you need to leave)
The same mother complained once how she is sad that her son is only hanging out with white friends. And not so much with my son.
The same mother asked me if I am sure my son is not traumatised since I was not there for his Einschulung. and how her entire family, grandmother, great grand mother and sibling were all there.
I had to explain how I had checked with my son before and he was ok that I miss his Einschulung. I also said in India we celebrate many things but entering school is not a big celebration.
Obviously also the same mother who has laughed when I mispronounced some German word. A person so unaware of the impact of her words. And she is also a school teacher.
Same family that invites my ex (white) husband for brunch with our kids but never me. making it clear to my kids that we prefer bringing you and your dad to our house, not your brown mom.
This is how culture reminds me I do not belong here. I am not welcome. Even if Berlin so proudly claims to be multi-Kulti. Bunt.
I have had a German mother tell me, when she asked me about our experience of racism in the mutter kind kur, how her son is NULL RASISTISCH, putting herself in the center while asking about a traumatic experience me and my kids had.
Another German mother who again chooses to hang out with my ex husband more because our sons are very close. Twice mentioned to me this sentence.
‘KOMMT IHR ALLE ’?
Once when we went to just drop my son at her place. She opens the door and asks- Kommt ihr alle.
It is no surprise that my son who wanted me to drop him at her place asked me to leave one floor before her home. I did not realise he knew she would not like seeing me?
And other time when we had to just pick up his backpack from her place.Again she asks blatantly . Kommt ihr alle?
And this sentence is so deeply racist. I have had an old women ask me Wohnt IHR ALLE hier , when I was getting ice-cream with my toddler several years ago.
My sons school teacher gave him a book as a gift on the 5th grade Zeugnis celebration. Dilip- a book about an Indian kid , an orphan, who gets adopted by a German family. Dilip is a mathematical genius. But also poor and orphan from India. My son looked at it and his first reaction was why am I not getting this and not Momo the book his friends got.
A question the teacher should be asking herself. WHY?
All these incidents are coming from an unconscious bias . All these behaviours are harmful for me, my children and also for your’s. We will never be able to create a society that centres accountability and care if you feel attacked by my sharing. Having labels like diverse and Inclusive. Flags of refugees welcome is never a sign that we are welcoming everyone and know how to create a society where everyone’s needs for safety, belonging and dignity are met.
This is why migrant parents feel constantly stressed and worried that they will be judged. If they speak bad German, if they speak their language, if they do not speak their language. Because you judge us constantly. You watch everything we do but you do not see us. You remind us that we are not welcome with your jokes, surprise, gut-gemeinte actions that do not have a good impact.
The reason for me to share this is not to Shame white parents. But with a hope that you will realise how difficult It is for parents with migration back ground to Belong.
May we be able to raise our children with love and respect. Teach them that everyone is welcome. Teach our kids by being good role models. I highly recommend the work of Tobi Aye- https://www.tobiaye.com if you wish to find support in this process of unlearning and healing.
