today again i feel the pain of being an Orphan. an outsider. a motherless child.
Grief is not linear. It shows up suddenly. And yes I can blame the mediation with my ex husband. I can blame the world that supports white supremacy. I can blame the misfortunate accident that caused me to fall and break my head in (2022) I can date it back to the year my parents died and my marriage broke. (2018). I can go even deeper into childhood. growing up in a poor household. Toxic father. toxic society. Patriarchy. Post-colonial trauma. racialised trauma. I can even date it back to the trauma and loss of my ancestors.
But it doesn’t matter. why. It is the what. I feel pain. tears flow out of my eyes. I long to be with birds of a feather that fly together. I long to belong. To be held. I know this grief will still be there. It needs to go through me and there is plenty of it so it will not be done soon. I may think I don’t want to pass it to my children. But that is not possible. In a society where we are forced to function rather than feel. Where we have to co-parent with folks who do not see things I do. Where we are not taught to ask for help. Or taught to help.
Where we are always overwhelmed and always wanting more. NOt allowed to rest and feel.
All I can do is feel. Grieve. Alone. Even if it hurts to be alone. And I do not know how to ask for help. how to say can you just hold me. Even though may be you are next door or just a phone-call away.
I only know to be alone and find a song, a playlist, or food that reminds me of home to tap into a memory that gives me joy. Because the present is painful.
Sometimes solace comes in a form of words, books or instagram posts.
Or something from the scriptures that I get in my mail like this newsletter from srivatsan ramaswami
kāmo'kārṣīnnamo namaḥ |
kāmo'kārśītkāmaḥ karoti nāhaṁ karomi kāmaḥ kartā nāhaṁ
kartā kāmaḥ kārayitā nāhaṁ kārayitā eṣa te kāma kāmāya svāhā || 1||
1. Salutations to the gods! Desire performed the act. Desire did the act. Desire is doing the act, not I (the atman). Desire is the agent, not I (atman). Desire causes the doer to act, not I (atman). O Desire, fascinating in form, let this oblation be offered to thee Hail
manyurakārṣīnnamo namaḥ |
manyurakārṣīnmanyuḥ karoti nāhaṁ karomi manyuḥ kartā nāhaṁ
kartā manyuḥ kārayitā nāhaṁ kārayitā eṣa te manyo manyave svāhā
Salutations to the gods! Anger performed the act. Anger did the act. Anger is doing the act, not I (the atman). Anger is the agent; not I (atman). Anger causes the doer to act, not I (atman). O Anger, let this oblation be offered to thee. Hail!
All creatures act to get what they want (kama or raga) or to get rid of what they not want or dislike (manyu/dvesha/krodha). But the karma yogi even with the paroksha jnana or indirect knowledge of the nature of the desireless atma as the self, acts or does one's duties without desire or hatred. This is possible only with the knowledge of the subject/self as pure unvarying consciousness. Merely extolling the virtues of karmayoga and advising people to do the duty without desire or anger (sans motivation) may be a non starter. The Lord gave the information about the Self in the ch II of the Gita, his first advise to Arjuna--before asking him to act as a Karma Yogi in the following ch III..
